The Worst Games I've Ever Played: Beowulf

I never saw the Bob Zemeckis mo-cap version of Beowulf. If the game is any indication, I am already standing head and shoulders over everyone who did.
The game opens, inexplicably, with Hrothgar drunkenly raving about mead, sex, and killing. The player assumes control of Beowulf as he begins some kind of competition with one of his fellow Vikings, in which the two of them race up cliffs and around obstacles, until Beowulf falls in the sea and nearly drowns (because that's totally something that he would do). He sinks into the murky depths and is revived by a blocky mermaid-looking creature that we are led to believe is Angelina Jolie, and Beowulf swims to the surface and gets on a sandbar. Three sea serpents then attack him. At least, I think they were sea serpents; they looked more like eels with big horns. Anyway, Beowulf realizes that Angelina Jolie had given him an ability called Carnal Rage, where Beowulf can charge up his, uh, carnality, or something like that, and go berserk and beat the crap out of stuff. He then uses this ability to defeat the sea serpent.
But don't take my word for it! Read this section of the game script that I got as a bonus for buying the game:

SANDBAR, EXT.
BEOWULF dodges the Sea Serpent's vicious sandbar-slapping attack. He growls and shouts and his BODY glows RED with CARNAL RAGE. He PUNCHES and KICKS the SERPENT until the beast falls stunned onto the SANDBAR SURFACE.
QUICK TIME EVENT:
BEOWULF climbs atop the SERPENT, breaks off its HORN, and lets out a MANLY GRUNT as he STABS the SERPENT'S EYE.

BEOWULF:
Rrraarrghsharghsharghenrrargh!

The SEA SERPENT falls into the sea, STUNNED, HISSING like a velociraptor on its way down. WTF.

Later, you gather your thanes and head off to aid Hrothgar with his Grendel problem. On the way there, you and your men are attacked by crabs. Given Beowulf's sexual proclivities (detailed in a moment), I'll let you snicker without provocation on my part.
The Vikings arrive at Hrothgar's palace, and Beowulf tells the king that Grendel will be destroyed that night. That evening, Beowulf leads his men in a battle song in order to draw Grendel into the palace:

Oh, we are Beowulf's army
we think that life is great
we'll smitten your kittens
and pillage your village
and then ejaculate!

(The song was actually
Oh, we are Beowulf's army
each a mighty thane
we'll pummel your asses
and ravage your lasses
and do it all over again!
but these are merely details.)

After a few more sexually explicit verses, delivered in Beowulf's rather anachronistic Cockney voice, Grendel bursts through the doors, cradling his head in his ugly monster hands and whining like a little girl about all the racket. He manages to slaughter the thanes, leaving Beowulf alone to fight. You go into Carnal Rage and beat Grendel's ugly arse with the pillars of the banquet hall (why the building doesn't collapse is a mystery), and leap onto him in the worst-programmed quick time event ever: mash B to break his kneecap, hit X to dive around him and grab his arm, and mash B to pull his frickin' arm off. At least, that's what the screen tells you to do, but when I mashed B for the second time, Grendel threw me off as if I had been mashing the D-pad instead. I attempted this several more times before giving up and apologizing to my 360 for subjecting it to such torture. Then I flogged myself.

The Cockney brashness aside, the game fails on just about every level imaginable. The graphics are a joke, the controls are terrible, with at least a half-second delay between pressing the controller's buttons and the corresponding action taking place on-screen; and Ray Winstone (the actor playing Beowulf) seemed to think that the movie was directed by Guy Ritchie.

OUTSIDE THE PALACE, EXT.
BEOWULF and this THANES are fighting the BARBARIAN HORDE. Sensing imminent defeat, BEOWULF attempts to rally his MEN.

BEOWULF
Oye bloikes, groiw sum bollz an' FOIGHT til yer asses falluf! Oye, fickoff yah wankaz! Yeh, yeh, git outta moy whip ya bliidy bastirds!

So unless you're electronically masochistic, avoid this steaming heap. I got it at Best Buy for $5 and got $1.10 of credit at GameStop for it. GameStop got the better deal.