Have you ever heard someone preface a statement with "I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but..."? I'm talking about when someone tells you something that they know will be annoying to you at best, and offensive at worst. They try to dance around their statement by informing you that they aren't saying it to upset you or offend you, they're just saying it... just because. For example, take recording artist Jill Scott's recent article for Essence magazine in which she expresses her disapproval of interracial relationships, giving the example of a black friend of hers marrying a white woman. She briefly mentions that she was raised in a religious household and taught to appraise people based on their character and values, rather than skin color, but spends most of the article talking about the white man's sins of slavery and racism, and how those past sins cause her to "wince" when she sees "a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian woman and their children." Of course, she dismisses any objections that her "wince" is "racist," because she understands that men and women of all ethnicities can find love with people who are different from them, "but underneath, there is a bite, no matter the ointment, that has yet to stop burning. Some may find these thoughts to be hurtful. That is not my intent. I'm just sayin'." Aha! See? See? She wasn't trying to hurt anybody's feelings, she was just expressing her opinion. She was just saying. The problem is that when you say something that you know will hurt another, there's no room for "just saying." By saying something, you are putting your opinions and ideas out there and you take immediate ownership for that which you have said, as well as the consequences of expressing your ideas.
Now, this doesn't mean that everyone who says "I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings or offend you" is actually mistaken or lying. You can tell when someone is being genuine when expressing themselves to you, and it is up to you to discern who is telling the truth. Sometimes someone else's opinion will run so counter to yours that there is no possible way for them to express it without causing some kind of ill reaction in you, and at that point it's up to you to not hold it against them. For example, when you are doing something that you think is fine and good but your friend, parent, pastor, or whoever, thinks it isn't so fine and good, and they think that they have to talk to you about it. They'll tell you that the disapproval that they express is not meant to hurt you, but they believe that they have to communicate it in some way because they are concerned about you. But in that situation, there is no room for them to cop out of what they're saying, because their intentions are truly pure, and they will stand by their conviction that what they are doing is right; they just have to make sure that you know that they are not trying to offend. For Jill Scott, she more or less likened interracial relationships to race betrayal, and that's a strong (and racist) statement to make. So strong, in fact, that there is no way that someone could not be offended by her expression of it, in what I am assuming is a popular magazine written for black audiences. It's like telling a mom who you know struggled with anorexia in high school that her teenage daughter is fat. You know that that would be a rotten thing to say, especially to someone with a history of past struggles with such things, but you say it anyway--but wait! You weren't trying to offend her, you were just saying. Get it?
Let's take this a step further. Let's say that you know a parent whose child died in an accident of some sort. Let's say that you are convinced that you have to speculate as to the ultimate reason for the death, so you talk to the parent and speculate. "Maybe it was because, you know, God needed another angel in Heaven... or, well, maybe it was because of something bad that you did that God punished you for. Maybe it was because you should have tried harder to avoid getting into that accident. But I'm not trying to offend you, I'm just trying to figure it out... I'm just saying." I'd give that parent about three seconds before they inform you that you were never, in fact, asked to theorize as to why the child died, and that you are neither welcome in their presence anymore nor have you been talking out of your mouth.
Stop dancing around it. You knew what you were saying. Denying something then restating it is not really a denial.
In case you can't tell, it bothers the crap out of me when people like Jill Scott say something deeply and legitimately offensive, then try to save face by offering the expected "I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I'm just saying." People--especially me--need to stop hiding behind their own words and say nothing at all if they can't speak with love. At the very least, if you are going to say something hurtful, be honest about your intentions. Your audience will know when you are trying to hurt them and when you aren't. Don't try to fool them, and don't delude yourself into thinking that denying the intent behind your words will save you.
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